Ballyuseless

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A small crossroads marks the border between the wonderful town of Ballyyahoo and the horrible town of Ballyuseless.

At this crossroads stands a long pole with lots and lots of signs.

By the way, there is usually a donkey hanging around, wondering which way to go because donkeys can’t read.

If you can read you will see:

That the first sign says: Ballygonowhere.

The next one says Ballygoaway.

The one after that says Ballygobdaw

And the last one reads Ballygoanburyyourheadinabog.

BALLYGETOUTOFHEREORELSE

The signs are about as useless as a map made of ice-cream on a sunny day because each and every single one of them simply points to another sign.

Worse, the sign they are pointing to has fallen off the post and is lying on the floor.

If you read it carefully you’ll see that sign says Ballygetoutofhereorelse.

RUN LIKE THE WIND

That’s very good advice, and whenever you are given good advice you should take it.

Because, if you ever find yourself near Ballyuseless, the very best and cleverest thing to do is to get out as quickly as you can, preferably by running, very, very, very fast.

If you ignore this advice you will very soon find yourself on a very dark road with huge potholes and deep tangled ditches and trees on either side.

The dark road leads up a steep and winding hill.

This is a hill so steep you have to walk backwards to stop yourself falling back down again.

If you manage to reach the top of the hill take a quick look, a very quick look, then turn right around and run, preferably like the wind.

If you can’t run like the wind, at least try and run like a wild Irish hare.

You are probably wondering why you need to run.

Well, the first thing you need to know about Ballyuseless is that everyone there is useless.

The second thing you need to know about Ballyuseless is that nobody ever goes there.

When you hear more you’ll understand why.

WASTERS AND SCOUNDRELS

As you probably know, every town everywhere has its share of wasters and scoundrels.

Ballyuseless has more wasters and scoundrels per square inch than any town in the whole world.

Some people think there’s something in the water, others think that they were all cursed by a bad spirit.

Most Ballyyahooians agree that when the town was built it was built on a fairy ring.

A FAIRY RING

A fairy ring is a ring of trees that is situated on magic land that belongs to the fairies.

It is a lovely sheltered place for fairies to relax, carry on their fairy business and generally do fairy things.

If you find a fairy ring you won’t see any fairies, but you might catch a shadow of one – if you’re quiet and lucky.

Some people don’t believe in fairies.

It doesn’t matter if you believe or not. So long as you remember this – nobody, but nobody should ever mess with the fairies.

Ballyyahooians know this and they also know that nobody in their right minds or even their wrong minds would ever do an eejity thing like build houses on a fairy ring – except of course for eejits.

Fairies are kind, gentle and fragile little creatures and would never harm a living thing. But their rings of trees are very special to them.

BAD LUCK

It is said that to cause willful damage to a fairy ring will bring nothing but bad luck for years. Forever. And ever.

If you ever find yourself playing, or walking in a fairy ring and you accidentally fall and catch a branch of a tree to save yourself and the branch breaks, don’t worry.

The fairies understand the difference between an accident and a willful act of destruction.

However, if you entered a fairy ring, took a chainsaw and hacked the trees to death, then that would be another matter, another matter entirely.

You’d probably find yourself banished to Ballyuseless for the rest of your entire life and that would not be a good place to be.

Ballyuseless is jam-packed with useless eejits.

They’re too lazy to even get out of bed in the mornings. All they do is just lie there eating sweets and watching BUTT TV which stands for BallyUseless Terrible Telly.

BUTT TV

BUTT TV is about the worst TV in the world.

All that’s ever on is a game show called Ballykickinthebutt. It’s a really useless show – all about people arguing and fighting – just so they can win giant jars of sweets.

Nobody works in Ballyuseless and nobody goes to school. There are no comics, no magazines or books.

All there is is to do in Ballyuseless is watch BUTT TV.

The only time they ever get out of bed is when they run out of sweets.

When that happens they wait until nightfall and sneak around the back roads and lanes looking for something to steal.

Occasionally, and only very occasionally, the odd Ballyuselesser finds their way to Ballyyahoo and that’s when the trouble starts.

There’s hardly ever any crime in Ballyyahoo but when something bad happens it’s usually caused by a stray Ballyuselesser – like when The Thief of Ballyuseless came to Ballyyahoo.

So, whatever you do remember this – if you ever come across that signpost for Ballyyuseless, turn around and run like the wind, run like the hare, or if you can’t, just run as fast as you can and don’t look back.